An Artist's Lament

The past few days have been filled with, I’m not sure what it is. It can be panic because I’m in a questionable place creatively and professionally. Usually, I get one or the other but its been a double-whammy recently. It could be me struggling with anxiety, which has been a lifelong issue and I accept that it will continue to be. Or it may be shock. Shock of admitting a truth or seeing a truth. Again, I’m not sure.

There is the quintessential NYC question of how do I sustain myself monetarily living in this city and also be able to produce art. What I can accept and what I can’t handle has been a pretty blaring question since Covid. Covid really busted that window open with questions that I still don’t have the answers to. But at the end of the day, I usually put on my big boy pants and make it work. This time, the pants are having issues fitting. It’s another unknown that maybe in time, I’ll see and know.

There is also a need for artists and writers to define themselves by their genre. Now, there are a few that use mixed mediums and I’m impressed by what they gather. I myself am a hybrid: a writer and an artist. Sounds nice but here is where the trouble lies. It feels like to really make it in an industry, you have to pick one. If you don’t, you can be labeled as ‘Undefined.’

I look at the work that authors put into their careers. It’s not just about the craft of writing. Writers do not have to be authors. But today, to be a successful author, it’s not just about writing. It’s about presenting yourself as a personality, an almost omnipresent personality. Authors are now expected to cater to Tik Tok and make cutesy videos promoting their work. They host themed dinner parties. Many of them also get their name out by becoming critics. I’m not a critic, I don’t read 170 books a year, I’m not hosting a themed anything and I’m sure as fuck not making Tik Tok videos showing how cute and relatable I am. It’s a question of, is it ever enough?

Visual artists can be very singular. It’s a personal art (as is writing, too) and I was lucky to collaborate with an artist this past year and I am very proud of what we made. It is, by definition, undefinable. And that’s a good thing. Photographers, who are some of my favorite people to collaborate with, offer an interesting/debatable relationship with their subjects and with their audience. I love there being an energy on set and seeing what lives in an image because when you’re making it, you are unsure.

I will get raked over the coals for saying this, but this is an artist’s lament, after all. You can have real chemistry with a photographer, but it is a competition and it’s a competition of desire. We’ll call a collaboration a ‘gig’ for lack of a better term. If a cis male photographer is looking to shoot and it comes down between you and someone else, if they want to fuck someone else rather than you, you will not be the one getting shot. A photographer often gravitates towards who they want to fuck. It’s bodily, it’s understandable. I also question if it’s stagnant. There is an ideal image that we all live with and they are often capturing their own ideal. It may not meant to be personal to another, but repeatedly seeing what you are not, I wonder about its effects. What is the feeling behind all of those likes?

Sometimes, I’ve felt pigeon-holed as niche. A sex writer, a queer sex artist. I understand that sex sells but my intent, especially with writing, is to describe the intricacies of intimacy. Intimacy and sex or even a lack there-of, is psychological. What happens though, when you’re labeled, you are then placed in a category. And social media has done a bang-up job of creating competition rather than community. I don’t want to compete with anyone. It brings up such strong feelings of inferiority that I don’t believe are necessary to succeed.

As I navigate this weird time, and it is weird, I have to remember that there is room for all. I also have to not buy into the bullshit. It feels like there is a constant resistance to not give into likes and popularity and cliques. I want to work with more women, I want to work with poets and filmmakers. I really want to fuck around with sound. So, maybe this wide open space I’m in is a positive one. Because the larger the space, the grander the possibilities.